As I sit here staring at this blank canvas God is rolling out before me I ask myself, Where do I begin? The canvas is not my own, and how to use the brush is foreign to me. Yet God is asking me to paint.
Being only eighteen, I continue to doubt myself. I am not qualified enough. I am not eloquent enough. I am not bold enough. I am only a child. How am I supposed to go and preach to His chosen people when I have no idea what tools He has given me to use, let alone how to use them? I am stuck staring at a blank canvas with a foreign tool in my hand.
As these doubts echo in my head once again, as they have many times before, God continues to encapsulate my heart with the words He spoke to Jeremiah.
“Ah Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child”
But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you.” Declares the Lord.” -Jeremiah 1:6-8
So now that I have been commanded to go despite my human flaws, I am still left with the question, “Where do I begin?” There is so much uncertainty before me and the fear of the invisible tomorrow shortens my stride.
“ Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.” -Jeremiah 6:16
This is where I crave my own spiritual evolution. I can stand at the crossroads and look. I’m even able to ask where the good way is. But knowing the answer and walking by faith in it? How can one ever know? Instant gratification is the way to go for me. God if you could just send me an email or text letting me know, that would be awesome. Yet it is exactly that; an evolution. Hearing God’s voice is a “sixth sense” developed over time. So that is the selfish desire I will be pursuing in His land. Maybe, when His whisper becomes more apparent to me, He will direct me in the right path, with the right tools, and the directions to use them.
Aside from my my selfish desires, I am going because I fear for the people of Israel, and I break for them. How can a nation be so hardened from the God that chose them? As a Gentile, I find myself envious of the position they hold in God’s heart. If only they would see how blessed they could be. I read through Jeremiah and hear of the stronghold sin had over their hearts. Although that was spoken in past, the parallels today are infinite: Idolatry, war, lust, and abandonment of God. Its difficult to grasp how Jews today can completely reject Jesus. When through Him us believers (the majority of us are Gentiles) have a palpable, living, active relationship with God. Their God. One would think that would ignite a jealousy in their hearts to be connected to God in that way also. They have no sacrifice system, they rely solely on their works and the law. Almost as if they are now worshiping a system of government because of their rejection of Jesus. That's no way to live. Actually, it's not living at all.
So now I step out in boldness to stir jealousy within the people of Israel. I am only a child with no clear direction of my own but God has put this brush in my hand and this blank canvas before me. So here I am, painting.
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful.” -Jeremiah 31:3-4
6 comments:
First off, I want to say I appreciate your honesty and sincerity. I was in the place recently, and I still am today actually. However, I felt called last week to deliver my testimony as a devotional to our students at our weekly Tuesday night gathering, and at first I was STOKED, but then I started thinking, "Holy crap, the last time I gave my testimony it was 13 minutes long and 'average.'" I was starting to wonder if God would even be present in the room, or if it was some crazy inner desire to seek out more attention. God was there, though. You know my story, and after I finished speaking and playing some songs, I had about 13 kids come up to me and genuinely thank me and I even got to pray for some. God's going to use whatever you give Him, and He's going to do awesome, awesome things with you, Alaina. I mean freaking epic things.
alaina I am so excited you have a blog for us to check up on you!
I really liked your post. Keep your humility but also remember that God often uses the young and willing to do his work. Stay strong and in continual conversation with God. I will be praying for you!
-Amy Smith
Here, use some of my paint to help your painting out!
Alaina, I'm really proud of you. Your faith really inspires me in a way you don't even know. I know God will use you to do incredible things. Be bold and live for the Kingdom to come!
You'll do fine. You have awesome team leaders to help you! Don't stress yourself out! Go, and have a great time, take lots of pictures, do lots of writing, and just live!
Alaina,
I love that you are so committed to doing God's will even when you dont feel fully prepared. Man, there is so much to learn from an attitude like that. Just remember that you dont needto have everything figutred out. The minute you think you do, God will just show you whats up anyway. : )
i cant wait to hear more from you. I am so proud of you.
Love,
Gianna
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